The Fear.

This will be one of my more intimate posts for a number of reasons. 

It has been brought on sudden occurances in my life which have only made me realise how fragile the human condition is. I've taken it for granted like every other soul around me and been sucked into this big facade that health can last infinitely

What's your biggest fear?

Not as in spiders or darkness. As in, what makes you so utterly petrified that you never stop running. You literally flee from it. 

I'm so utterly terrified of my past that I've been fleeing in every sense of the word since I got the chance to escape three years ago. I'm of course talking about my own personal hell, CFS and POTS. It still scares me and I don't really know why. 

I haven't seen a specialist in three years, I haven't taken any specific medication for at least two. I've instead been figuratively running from my past as my own form of exorcising the demons I have from that particular time period.

Thinking about it, one of the underlying things I can garner is the fact I have an extremely high internal locus of control (for non-psych students, that means I'm individually focused) and my real fear is failure, and loss of control. Failure haunts me, I build up walls around myself through various forms of excellence, whether it be academic or social, so that when the times comes I have a barricade of success .. that way I can't be a long-term failure, especially in my own eyes.  Control? That's similar .. I need to be in control of many situations, that desire to be the leader so it's on me. I have trouble passing control on to others, which systematically inhibits my own potential as a leader and delegator of tasks but also allows me to worry less, as everything is under my control. 

My fear of my past, and by extension my multiple years of chronic illness all are symptoms of this really. Those years spent without any control are the epitomization of my own fear; wasted in my own eyes through a body that repeatedly failed me through no fault of my own. It's semi-ironic that my greatest failure is something I've already endured for years on end, but not entirely unsurprising. 

Simply put, my biggest fear is failure and loss of control. 

Now .. 

What is your biggest fear?