Passion.

Passion

The state of the mind when it is powerfully acted upon and influenced by something external to itself; the state of any particular faculty which, under such conditions, becomes extremely sensitive or uncontrollably excited; any emotion or sentiment (specifically, love or anger) in a state of abnormal or controlling activity; an extreme or inordinate desire; also, the capacity or susceptibility of being so affected; as, to be in a passion; the passions of love, hate, jealously, wrath, ambition, avarice, fear, etc. 

I feel like my passion has been destroyed as of late; life has manhandled me into submission. You see, it hasn't just been one soul-destroying day amidst a sea of sunshine; but a veritable flood of misfortune and misery over a series of months. I'm being dismantled, painfully, piece by piece. 

This has been represented in the loss of my radical change steam, seemingly running out of puff halfway through. It hasn't been for nothing, I assure you; it has been a multitude of maladies that has got me down. It has stolen my joy. 

Firstly, my girlfriend and myself were in a serious car accident on the eve of our six months. A terrifying experience at best, it laid us flat. An inexperienced driver lost control of his car, spun out across a divide and hit the front of my girlfriends car at 70kmh. 

Luckily, we were ok despite spending the entirety of the night in observatory making sure that we did not have any spinal injuries. Three months on, my girlfriend still doesn't have a car. 

A couple of weeks after that, my grandmother on my mothers side passed away from a sudden brain clot, after battling cancer for months. That brought with it a whole set of issues. My gran was an amazing women, much loved by the community she lived with and everyone who lived near her. The only problem being, that love did not extend to myself, nor my family. 

How do you grieve for someone who never showed you love? It's an unsettling experience, trying to hide behind family ties that were never there. Furthermore, seeing my own mother - the strongest person I will ever know - break down with the very same issues, was soul-destroying. 

Coming on the eve of university exams was not the greatest, but I trudged through. Sometimes you do what you have to in order to get by. 

Next to come was a series of car crashes, semi-serious with the potential for so much more. My girlfriends sister was hit by a drunk driver who ran a red whilst I was away on a youth camp. A few weeks later, one of my closest friends was hit in an identical situation. What the hell? 

Then, in a serious turn one of the most joyous people I have ever met was hit with an insidious illness, known as cancer. I have only met my girlfriends Auntie Georgia once or twice, but even then I was struck by her vibrant outlook on life. The problem of pain has floored me often, myself having been a subject of its cruel demeanour; yet when someone who has such a positive outlook on life is cut down like that .. its devastating. You can follow her battle at http://teamgeorgia.blogspot.com/. 

The last is the most personal, you see. It involves being real, something that doesn't come naturally to most men. We build ourselves up into being these marvelously clever, heroic, doer of deeds that don't need anyone elses help. I can be first in line to say, with a loud voice, that I do not feel particularly clever, heroic or a doer of deeds. I most definitely need help. 

My spiritual health has been in the throes of deep struggle, with my every flaw on display. I've struggled deeply with temptation, self-doubt of the worst kind, lack of confidence and a severe faith shortage. Please don't take this the wrong way, the lack of faith has nothing to do with my glorious Saviour. No, not at all. 

It more has to do with myself .. Isn't that funny, a youth leader and strong member of a congregation struggling with the idea of salvation and grace. I just feel so distinctly unworthy of such a supreme act of forgiveness, when my sin overwhelms me daily. 

I know, the Bible says that in 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear .."


.. Why does God have so much faith in me? I'm nothing in comparison to those who have laid down the path before me. 

This is an ongoing struggle for me, my significance in an ever changing world. I doubt that I will ever work it out, how I was predestined, set apart for the Lords work. Isn't it interesting, that those who struggle the most are often those set apart for the what they struggle with most. 

Finally, my health has failed me. Many of you reading will know of my health struggles, from the age of 13 I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and struggled tremendously for 6 years. Once I hit 19, it seemed like I had turned a corner .. I finished year 12, something that was a pipedream. I climbed the Swiss mountains, a veritable miracle. I was free .. 

Now I am not. Reeled back in by misfortune and my own stupidity, my health has crumbled and my immune system along with it. I have made some steep changes to my diet and lifestyle in the hope it will change. I once told someone that I would rather die than go back to those days.. Whilst I am not that melodramatic all the time, I would do almost anything to allay those days. Anyone who has ever faced a chronic illness would understand. 

So there you have it, a recipe for losing your 'joie de vivre'. 

I have an idea of where next .. a strong idea. I'll post that later perhaps, but until then this will serve me well as a carthatic experience. I hope you all understand.

God Bless.