Future.

Welcome to the first post in a four piece series titled Future Love Sex Marriage, having a look at what it takes to make a successful dating relationship. 

This is perhaps the most important step in building any successful relationship, but the one that is most overlooked by anyone stepping out into a relationship. If someone had told me this step when I first started dating, I would have sidestepped a lot of heartbreak, stress and anxiety. 

It comes down to a simple question: 

Are you casting a vision for your future or are you moving towards an aimless future?

Relationships, Marriage, Future.

You are already setting the standard for your future relationship, whether you like it or not. Your actions are guiding you towards something and whether it is you proactively defining it or reactively moving through it you are moving towards a goal of your own subconscious.

Therefore, I have some advice for you.

Get Started Now: 

I remember years of being single and being upset with everyone who was in a relationship passing off advice, wishing that somehow I could have what they had. When I finally did have a relationship, it fell apart within months due to the fact that I absolutely had no idea of what kind of relationship I wanted. 

I based my entire relationship upon initial attraction and then hoped that it would end well sometime down the line. It did not. 

If you are not first casting a vision for what you want in a relationship now, it will not work when you actually have a girlfriend or boyfriend. If you are unsure of what you want to stand for now, then how can you do so once you are part of a relationship. 

You need to start laying down the foundation for your relationship now before you have someone depending on you, because putting in the hard yards now will reap rewards later. Failure to do so will create uncertainty and an unhealthy relationship. Before my current relationship, I put in a lot of hard work to make sure I knew who I was and what I wanted in life before seeking a relationship with my partner and it has made a world of difference.

If you are seeking to have a relationship, now or in the future then make sure you have cast a vision for your future and are working towards it.

You cannot change another person, the only person you can change is yourself. However, displaying positive characteristics can create an environment in which another person wants to change to be like you. 

If you want a relationship based in kindness, then practice being kind. If you want a relationship based on faith, then make sure faith is central to your life. If you want a relationship based on hardwork, then you sure as hell better be hardworking yourself. 

I think of so many people who are not full of joy themselves, they are not kind, they are not loving yet they want relationships full of these things. If you want them, work on them now. 

I think of many of my friends who are joyful, full of love and kindness, hard-working and live faith-filled lives yet they seek partners who are none of those things. Make sure you know what kind of man or woman you want to start a relationship with and become accountable to that. 

So You Are In A Relationship: 

A word of advice that I always give to the young men who I mentor and lead through my youth ministry is this: "At the start, going out with someone seriously just means that a girl likes you enough to be associated with you alone in public".  Most of us are so ridiculously happy to have one girl or boy say they like us enough to be seen with us that we forget to to wait for the one woman or man who loves enough to be there for every big moment, good or bad for the rest of your life.

The question remains, how do I move from that initial relationship to that future image? 

The answer is simple. Lay down a vision for your relationship together, talk about it, get it out there and make sure you are moving towards something. If you are moving towards different things and not talking about it, it's going to be a huge source of dispute between you, maybe not now but in the future. 

You are laying down the standard for your relationship right now whether you like it or not and if you are not talking about it, it's not going to be a standard that you are in control of. 

Let me paint a picture, Joe has been head over heels for Mel for years and finally asks her out and she say's yes. Celebrations, joy and fireworks galore! Joe is so taken by Mel that he doesn't want to upset her, so he lets her make every decision in their relationship, it's such a privilige that she even hangs out with him!

Years down the track, Joe is a successful businessman but now wants to be a leader in his relationship with Mel. This becomes a huge source of anger and pain for the two of them because Joe has never been a leader before, and Mel thinks of herself as the leader. They are moving towards two different visions of their relationship and keep fighting about it. 

The problem in this relationship seems to be leadership, but is actually the vision for their relationship which was never talked about, agreed upon. They have two very different visions and it has become a barrier in their relationship. 

Seriously, have a vision for your relationship in the future. Do not be content with a short-term vision, plan for your future. You want to be a leader? Talk about that. You want a big family? Talk about it. You see yourself working before having children? Talk about it. Plan for it. Whatever you want, talk about it. 

When your vision is a surprise to your partner, do not be surprised when their vision is radically different to yours. 

What does a vision look like? 

Many of you would have set a vision for an organization, a group or a business and in truth, a vision for your relationship is not all that much different. 

I think of some of the things that my girlfriend and myself have laid down for ourselves. 

We want our relationship to be joyful, honest, hard-working, Christ-centered, accountable, open to new things, encouraging, God-focused and an example to everyone around us. This is not a list that we have drawn up but come from over a year and a half of conversations about what we want for our future.

So, what's your vision? 

Leave a comment below.