Sex has been something that has ended up dividing so many people, no-one is lacking in opinion about it. Livelihoods have been created out of manufacturing it, selling it or displaying it whilst others lay their flag at the opposite end, describe it as evil, inherently without any good at all.
This is the third of a series on how to build a strong relationship, titled Future Love Sex Marriage and we are going to have a look at the role that sex has in a relationship.
What does sex have to do with a good relationship?
It is one of the more difficult topics to talk about because it is such a personal thing, some people have had an experience of it, whether that is positive or negative, whilst others have had none. All of us are born with a sexual drive, so that feature of us is not lacking yet it creates such opinion-based division.
I want to unpack a lot of that confusion and put sex in its proper place, open it up for discussion and have a proper look at the impact it has in a relationship, whether that is dating or otherwise.
Sex is a Gift
If there is one idea that has been lost in the last century, it is the idea that sex is valuable or precious; that sex is a gift. We have steadily eroded the value of sex by either over-indulging or having our consciousness flooded by messages that it's casual, not valuable and all-together easy. When something becomes common, its value drops accordingly because it is no longer sought after.
In the last 50 years, our cultures morals have changed a great deal, potentially more so than in any other time in history. From the great sexual revolution onwards, previously traditional values have become the outsider whilst promiscuity and freedom has surged forward to become a defining norm.
With this has come a great shift in how we treat relationships, with the casual relationship becoming a regular amongst the Australian dating scene. When our relationships and sex is casual, it means that the relationships we have are not regarded as anything special and therefore often get treated like trash. Relationships like these often lead to broken hearts and hurt feelings, if not at the time then later on in life when sex takes on new meaning inside of a marriage.
Gifts on the other hand, are by definition precious, valuable and to be treasured. When sex is seen as such, it changes the entire dynamic of a relationship as not only is the relationship valued and seen as precious and something worth working on, but both partners are satisfied in the relationship.
With that in mind, are you treating sex as a gift or are you treating it as trash?
Sex is an Intimacy Builder
Intimacy in a relationship is a wonderful thing, in fact it is central to any long-lasting relationship. There are many forms of intimacy, including spiritual, emotional and physical and all need to be built upon to ensure a healthy relationship. Intimacy is the building block of any relationship, build on shaky ground and your relationship will be sure to fail and even a relationship that seem strong on the outside will crumble quickly when intimacy is lost. Whilst there is multiple forms of intimacy, they are not all equal when it comes to relationships and there is a reason that many wait to have sex.
Intimacy does not necessarily have anything to do with sex and in truth, should be interchanged with another more powerful word; trust. Whilst we often view intimacy and sex as the same thing, it is trust that is at the center of every single intimate activity, anything that builds trust within a relationship builds intimacy. Getting to know one another on an emotional level is intimacy building, getting to know each other spiritually is intimacy building; holding hands, laughing and learning how to love someone unconditionally are all intimate activities that have nothing to do with sex.
When you talk about sexual intimacy, there is always risk involved. If you are in a hurry to get into a sexual relationship, you lose the opportunity to build a relationship on a stable footing because it is so deeply personal. Many claim that sex is an important part of a dating relationship, but too often it is used as a tool to keep a relationship together or as the last barrier before a relationship falls apart.
The truth is, that when you truly get to know your partner on an intimate level, you will not need sex to keep the relationships intimacy intact. You should feel secure enough in your relationship with your partner to never have to face the question of whether your partner will stop loving you if you stop having sex with them. You do not need sex to prove your love to anybody.
With all of that said, within a stable relationship which has been built upon strong emotional and spiritual intimacy, sex has a quality that binds a couple together and makes them one. In ancient Hebrew, the word for 'sex' comes from a root word which means to 'know' someone intimately, on a personal level that no-one else has before you. It is the moment in which two partners within a relationship become one and is one of the most intimate moments in a persons life, it should be life-changing, life-altering and life-affirming.
Are you building intimacy in your relationship or have you built on shaky foundations?
Sex is Built For Marriage
Within a vast majority of Western television shows, marriage is being shown as a old and dying institution with new forms of relationships being put forward as the most desirable. You only have to look at the sheer volume of playboys, open relationships and vibrantly single lifestyles held up in celebrities our society adores to find what the media deem to be the best kind of sexual relationship in the culture we live in.
Many would consider the previous heading archaic and borne of a bygone era, but the truth is that it revolutionary in its counter-cultural ambition. When you consider all previous points in their full understanding, marriage is the greatest and rightful place for sex.
What greater gift to give to your husband or wife than yourself?
Marriage is the only place in which true intimacy can be guaranteed, if the groundwork has been aptly taken care of in the dating relationship. When two people can give themselves fully to one another in that place, it is a wonderful thing.
When sex takes place outside of marriage, it always has the potential to hurt us and entrap us in ways that we did not see. I think of myself, having given myself in ways to someone who I don't even know anymore, not even caring about the future but intent on enjoying it right then. I didn't have sex, but some of the things leading up to sex are no longer a gift, they're trash because they have already been given and whilst enjoyable, no longer have that first-time shine.
I honestly cannot think of anything better than having sex for the first time with my best friend and life-partner. That might be crazy to a lot of people, I understand that but I am looking forward to it immensely. Whilst involved in a serious relationship which is intimate in many ways, until married I will wait because my first time will be with my wife.
That is a promise.
What do you think about sex in dating?
Do you have any questions? Let me know in a comment below.
2 comments:
This was clear and straightforward. Sex is such a hard topic to write on because its so easy to make it sound like something bad - but you definitely handled it the right way.
Thanks Dave, that comment means a lot to me. I think I spent more time on this post than any other in months purely for that reason. Sex is a hard topic to write about, but I think it's vital we do :) Very much looking forward to it in marriage however. Thanks for the feedback.
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