Have you heard the news?
Marriage is on its last legs, a spent force about to give way to a new horizon. From Kim Kardashian to Tom Cruise the word is grim on its future, with celebrity luminaries such as Gene Simmons stating that 'Marriage is without a doubt, the worst investment that you could ever make'. With such influences, does marriage have any at all role to play in a dating relationship?
There are just so many thoughts on marriage, especially when it comes down to when you should get married, what makes a good marriage and who should get married. I'm going to concentrate on the first + second and leave the third for another time.
This is the last post in a series of how to build a strong relationship that lasts, titled Future Love Sex Marriage and we are going to take a look at what role marriage has in any relationship. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to leave them below in the comments box as there is no change without discussion.
Why Should Anyone Want to Get Married?
This is the center of the issue for many people, the real fact is that they don't want to be tied down by a commitment, let alone one that lasts a lifetime such as marriage. Marriage has lost most of its luster, proven in a recent study that showed marriage in the 21st century was not desired anywhere as highly as in previous generations.
Much of that is in response to the broken marriages that we see around us and the unfilled expectations that some have in dating; it wouldn't take long for any of you to think of a friend or family member who has been hurt by divorce or previous bad relationships.
Marriage was not designed broken, it was meant to be awesome. Marriage should mean living with your best friend until the end of this life, a life that is enrichened by their company and character. If things such as companionship, love and improving your life mean anything to you, then marriage should be an important factor in your dating decisions.
Marriage was not designed broken, it was meant to be awesome. Marriage should mean living with your best friend until the end of this life, a life that is enrichened by their company and character. If things such as companionship, love and improving your life mean anything to you, then marriage should be an important factor in your dating decisions.
This is not to say that it will be easy, almost every married couple I have met has told me of the hardships of marriage, the adjustment from living for yourself to living for someone else is not an easy switch. This is just to say that marriage would be worth it.
Marriage means having a companion who is committed to you for the rest of their life, not just the foreseeable future. It means having your best friend alongside you every single day, someone who you can trust unconditionally, daily wanting the best for you and is willing to sacrifice themself for that to happen in the knowledge that you are willing to do the same for them.
If that doesn't sound like something worth aspiring to and working towards, then I honestly do not know what is.
If that doesn't sound like something worth aspiring to and working towards, then I honestly do not know what is.
Marriage Should Be The Aim of Dating
If it's not, you're setting yourself up for failure. Seriously, this is the number one tip that I would hand any dating couple because if not, you'll end up in a serious relationship without a future. I have seen what happens when years into a relationship, suddenly one half of a couple must get married whilst the other hasn't even thought about it yet. Connect the dots and its not hard to see that this scenario will not end well.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you hear the words 'If we are not married within X months, I'm leaving' and you have to work out whether you want to be married or not, you've made a mistake. It should be something that you discuss in the first couple of months of dating, if not the first weeks. If you don't want to be married, then don't be in a relationship; it is that simple.
If you do the hard yards right now, it will prove worth it in the long run. If you don't, who knows where your relationship will end up..
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you hear the words 'If we are not married within X months, I'm leaving' and you have to work out whether you want to be married or not, you've made a mistake. It should be something that you discuss in the first couple of months of dating, if not the first weeks. If you don't want to be married, then don't be in a relationship; it is that simple.
If you're in a relationship without a purpose, it will most likely end in bitterness. You wouldn't enter into a career without working out where you want to be in five years, so why make something as potentially important as a marriage an afterthought in your life.
Please note, I am not saying to rush into a marriage as that would be foolish. Rather, I am saying that marriage should be something continually worked towards over the entirety of a relationship, rather than the focus of your engagement period.
Please note, I am not saying to rush into a marriage as that would be foolish. Rather, I am saying that marriage should be something continually worked towards over the entirety of a relationship, rather than the focus of your engagement period.
This simple idea would save people incredible amounts of heartache, divorce settlements and broken hearts. Instead of confronting problems in marriage or in an engagement, you are confronting them in dating and starting the process of loving each other unconditionally early. Once you actually identify things that you and your partner need to work on, you can start doing so.
The alternative is living in ignorance for the entirety of your dating relationship, entering marriage and then having an abrupt shock that your partner is not the perfect person you made her out to be, she is real and has things to work on. Even more likely, you realise that you are not quite as perfect a catch as you thought you were, you have things to work on.
The alternative is living in ignorance for the entirety of your dating relationship, entering marriage and then having an abrupt shock that your partner is not the perfect person you made her out to be, she is real and has things to work on. Even more likely, you realise that you are not quite as perfect a catch as you thought you were, you have things to work on.
If you do the hard yards right now, it will prove worth it in the long run. If you don't, who knows where your relationship will end up..
When Should I Get Married?
Many ask questions about when they should get married, but there are four simple statements that couples must resolve before moving into marriage. You can keep moving towards marriage, but without these you are just not ready for it and are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
1) You No Longer Need To Impress Each Other
There are many ways to do this, but the end result must be the same.
It's you getting to a point where you can share the absolute worst parts of yourself and then not judge your partner when they do the same with you. Maybe those barriers will come down in time, maybe they will fall one by one against your will but most likely, it will come as a result of you actually having deep conversations with each other and making that first step. The relationship must move beyond the point where its success or failure depends entirely on how well you hide your flaws from one another.
2) You have learnt to trust each other
No-one is ever born trusting, we all learn how to trust other people. Some learn how to trust quicker, some never learn due to things out of their control. However, it all comes down to being open with one another. When your partner knows everything about you, including the worst parts then you don't have any room to hide to behind a facade. If they shared this much, it is because they honestly don't have anything left to hide and you have learnt to trust one another. If you haven't reached this stage, don't get married.
3) You are best friends (or real real real close)
If you can't get on with someone outside of making out with them, then for the love of all that is good and pure do not marry them. Firstly, friendship is one of the best things about dating and if you are not building up a friendship in your relationship, it will fail. Eventually, that burning passionate love will fade and you will realise that underneath, you don't actually like the person that you're committed to spending your life with.
Secondly, if you build up that relationship you get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend through every single life situation. This is not a burden, it is one of lifes greatest's pleasures and honors. People have it in their head that dating and friendship are the opposites, but that connection is the core of the relationship. Without it, your relationship will eventually fail.
4) You understand what forever means
It may seem so blatantly obvious that a chimpanzee should be able to work it out, but when you promise to spend forever with someone that actually means a very long time. It doesn't mean 10 years, it does not even mean 20 years. It means forever, for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health.
Many people are getting married for the sole reason that getting married is the done thing once you've been in a relationship for so many years, not for the fact they want to be married, commited to one person for the rest of their life. If you want to get married, only do so once you have come to grips with the fact that forever means forever and not a day sooner.
1) You No Longer Need To Impress Each Other
There are many ways to do this, but the end result must be the same.
It's you getting to a point where you can share the absolute worst parts of yourself and then not judge your partner when they do the same with you. Maybe those barriers will come down in time, maybe they will fall one by one against your will but most likely, it will come as a result of you actually having deep conversations with each other and making that first step. The relationship must move beyond the point where its success or failure depends entirely on how well you hide your flaws from one another.
2) You have learnt to trust each other
No-one is ever born trusting, we all learn how to trust other people. Some learn how to trust quicker, some never learn due to things out of their control. However, it all comes down to being open with one another. When your partner knows everything about you, including the worst parts then you don't have any room to hide to behind a facade. If they shared this much, it is because they honestly don't have anything left to hide and you have learnt to trust one another. If you haven't reached this stage, don't get married.
3) You are best friends (or real real real close)
If you can't get on with someone outside of making out with them, then for the love of all that is good and pure do not marry them. Firstly, friendship is one of the best things about dating and if you are not building up a friendship in your relationship, it will fail. Eventually, that burning passionate love will fade and you will realise that underneath, you don't actually like the person that you're committed to spending your life with.
Secondly, if you build up that relationship you get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend through every single life situation. This is not a burden, it is one of lifes greatest's pleasures and honors. People have it in their head that dating and friendship are the opposites, but that connection is the core of the relationship. Without it, your relationship will eventually fail.
4) You understand what forever means
It may seem so blatantly obvious that a chimpanzee should be able to work it out, but when you promise to spend forever with someone that actually means a very long time. It doesn't mean 10 years, it does not even mean 20 years. It means forever, for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health.
Many people are getting married for the sole reason that getting married is the done thing once you've been in a relationship for so many years, not for the fact they want to be married, commited to one person for the rest of their life. If you want to get married, only do so once you have come to grips with the fact that forever means forever and not a day sooner.
What do you think? When should someone be married?
Let everyone know your opinion in a comment below.
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